I worked out like a boss this week. 6 days straight!! Not going to weigh myself, and I don't feel much of a difference in my clothes.. yet. It's coming, I know that and I'm not giving in this time!!! I see a difference (I think ?) in my ankles. Weird. I seem to second guess my memory of what I looked like the week before, so I will be taking pictures for my progress :) The title of this post is now my motto. I see it on a daily basis and it helps to keep me on track. No more excuses! They are in the trash :)
Before Christmas I was walking through Lifeway bookstore, trying to find gifts for my family. For one reason or another I always end up in the sale isle, and this trip was no exception. As I was browsing the book titles, looking for what would hopefully be a life-changing, awe inspiring, best of the best, book for Brian, I happened to glance upon a book titled "Chocolatherapy; Satisfying the Deepest Cravings of Your Inner Chick" by Karen Scalf Linamen. I know... WHO buys gifts for themselves at Christmastime?! For some reason, this book called out to me. It looked funny, it was a book about emotional eating, and it was on clearance, so I figured why not. Some days I am just hoping to get a shower, let alone read. Christmas came and went (and for those of you wondering, no... Brian did not get a book) and the book sat unread, along with the mountain of reading materials that still reside on my nightstand. Some self-help, some fiction, some non-fiction. You get the point... not enough time. Ever.
As I stated in my last post, I just got an elliptical (LOVE). One of the biggest disadvantages to exercising indoors is... dun, dun, dun... the screen. That darned screen. The constant reminder that you have gone so little, and have so far to go. The numbers t-i-c-k-i-n-g by so slowly you could run a marathon in between seconds. What else is there to DO??! ! ! *Gasp* READ!!! Oh praise God. Thank you for words typed onto paper, that can keep my mind from telling me "not there yet, Heather!" So many books to chose from, what is a girl to read?! Ah ha... there it is. I was hungry for a change and willing to wrap my brain around anything that would promise hope.
As I began reading this book, I found it to be extremely witty, fun filled, very well written, intelligent, and she had managed to put onto paper, words that describe me to a T. Little did I know, I was about to embark on an excursion that would reach into the depths of my soul. Areas that hadn't been seen by anyone in years. Like the scary attic in Grandma's house that you would not dare step foot into. There are cobwebs, dark corners filled with secrets, little to no light, creaking floors, and maybe even a skeleton or two.
I approached the middle of the book, confident that it was in some way, shape, or form, helping me to succeed in figuring out WHY I had an addictive personality. Not just to food. Alcohol and drugs all once played a starring role in my life. But WHY. I don't remember having unhealthy ideas about food, (or anything else for that matter) growing up. So not only why, but WHEN. When did my mind suddenly switch to self-destruct? After much thought and prayer, I think I know when. I believe it happened when we told my mother that I had been sexually abused by my step-brother. Her response was nothing short of shocking and I believe that from that point on,
As some of you know, my mom and biological dad were divorced when I was one. He remarried soon after, as did she. My dad and step-mom adopted two beautiful, amazing girls from Haiti. Now, I don't know if either of you read this. If you do, please know that I truly do love you. This is my viewpoint of how I grew up, and you may feel totally different. I appreciate that, and want to honor your memories of this time in your life. When I was growing up, I can remember feeling so insanely jealous of them. They got to live with my daddy. They got his love daily. They got to hug him everyday. They got to run into his arms when he came home from work. On the other side of town, I was waiting by the front door for him to come get me for my scheduled visit. Many times it seems, he never came. I was waiting for MY hug, and MY kiss, and MY daddy's love. He wasn't a terrible man. He just wasn't there like I needed him to be. In fact, looking past the hurt of those days, I can also remember his awesome, boisterous laugh. His huge hands that looked like they belonged to a giant. The gentle spirit that he seemed to have. I believe he loved me. Not because I really felt it, but because I am hopeless when it comes to healing. My dad died when I was 11 years old. A lifetime ago. A lifetime of hurt to make up for.
My step-father was more absent than present. I don't really remember much of my childhood. At least not happy memories. I think not being able to remember all of it, is God's way of protecting me from what He knows I just cannot handle remembering! I am okay with that, and grateful for a God that wants to protect me that way.
Getting back to the book, and close to the end of this post. Chapter 4 is titled Love. She references fathers, frequently in this chapter. Mostly, I think, because she understands that we have an inexplicable desire to be loved by our fathers. She goes on to say on page 49 "... While dads aren't exactly universal in nature, what is universal is our longing for a really great one. I don't know what kind of dad you had. My most heartfelt hope is that he was really amazing, just like mine. But either way, you and I are created to long for the same thing.
If I could describe that longing with an image, it would be this: a father cupping the face of his daughter in his hands, looking deep into her eyes and saying, 'Hey, you're mine. You belong to me. Whether you're clumsy or poised, grumpy or kind, good or bad, serene or mad... whether you behave like the perfect princess or you mess up royally... none of that changes the fact that you belong to me and I love you."
Oh. My. Gosh. Waterworks. I have never read such sweet words, nor have I EVER... EVER understood my desire, my NEED for my daddy to speak those sweet, kind, loving words to me and directly into my heart. To look into my eyes and for me to KNOW that he loves me. I never knew that a lack of those words could cause such a tremendous uprising in my soul. In that corner of the attic.. over there, that hasn't been seen by the light of day, (let alone by any person) or swept, or dusted in... ages.
Remember at the beginning, how I promised that this would be worth it? Here is the best news I could possibly EVER tell you. After I read that, after I bawled and realized that I had this longing to be loved, like I had never realized it before... Jesus spoke to me. As He cupped my face in His tender, kind, loving, fatherly hands, He said this... "Hey, you're mine. You belong to me. Whether you're clumsy or poised, grumpy or kind, good or bad, serene or mad... whether you behave like the perfect princess or you mess up royally... none of that changes the fact that you belong to me and I love you."
I am permanently in His family. And while I was a broken hearted little girl, sitting by the door, waiting for my daddy's car to pull up, I am now a woman, healing from those hurts. Not because of anything I have done for myself, or for Him, but because of what He has done for me. This life, this Hope, this Joy, can be found and is available to anyone who wants it.
Am I done with overeating? Well, it took years to create this addiction and it will take awhile to get rid of it. But I know that I am loved. I understand that more now than I ever have.
God Bless you!!!
All my love-
Heather
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