Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Finding Myself: This could get ugly.
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Finding Myself: This could get ugly.: Here I am. Once again. Feeling so sad and disappointed, words cannot describe. Since my last post, I have GAINED 10 pounds. Too much for y...
This could get ugly.
Pin It Now!
Here I am. Once again. Feeling so sad and disappointed, words cannot describe.
Since my last post, I have GAINED 10 pounds. Too much for you? Yeah, me too.... let me back up a bit.
I had previously written a post about how "happy" I was to be diagnosed with (#&@**%) Hashimotos. At lease now I knew why it was difficult to get out of bed, and why it was hard to lose weight, and why I couldn't turn off the faucets that are now referred to as my eyes. Don't get me wrong, I was happy! Now we could get to work at regulating my thyroid and getting my life back on track!
Little did I know, I would have a doctor who would seem to care less about my ongoing issues. I mean, when I am feeling good, I feel GREAT! I guess that's what happens when you know what it really feels like to feel crappy, you can really appreciate when it is good! But why does it only last for a week or a little more... or less?! For the most part, I am still exhausted. I am still super emotional, not to mention irritable (sorry Brian. I love you XoXo). The happiness I had felt when I was diagnosed has turned to a giant sour disgusting pill that is very hard to swallow. It could always be worse. I know that. I have people in my life that have fought or are fighting much worse battles than this. But this is MY life and it is something that I have to deal with on a daily basis, just as others have to deal with their problems or illnesses. It isn't ever easy for the person going through it is what I am trying to say. I still want to give God the glory and I hope that somehow, someway He can use what I am going through for good.
Having said all of that, I think that my weight gain is simply my thyroid going through its hormonal stage and I am PRAYING that it stops. My meds have been adjusted (by a different doctor) and those could take 6 months to "regulate". I have not eaten better, but I certainly have not been eating worse. The gain (beyond blaming Hashimotos) really is unexplainable.
Let us get to the root... again.
If I don't see results immediately, I cave. I feel like there is no hope. I feel as if I am caught in the weight cycle again. The problem with a lot of the diet "helps"out there are that I cannot have too much protein, I only have 1 kidney and it is hard to filter too much protein. I cannot use substitute protein items such as soy, because it supposedly creates conflict between my body and the thyroid it is already attacking. There is no medical proof of that, it is just what some people think and I have done soy meal replacement shakes and believe for myself, that it interfered with my thyroid. So, no more of that.
I have an addiction to food. I had someone suggest in a previous post that maybe it wasn't a real food addiction issue, but that maybe it was just laziness. Well, I don't know about you, but when I walk into the kitchen on days that I am really trying to beat this thing, and I start to shake because I want the food... that sounds like more than laziness to me. Am I exhausted, yep. Does that make me lazy? On most bad days, yep. But that has no bearing on how I feel when I walk into an area filled with food. When I allow myself to indulge in what I should be staying away from (p.s. I over-eat healthy food too), I feel good for a minute, then moments later I am so disappointed in myself, I could cry. Just today as I made a resolution to eat better, I had to go into that area... you know... the place that sounds like mitchen? My mouth was literally salivating and all I could think was WHY didn't I buy gum the last time I was at the store?! Maybe that would help. Gum! CURSES!!!! I began to tremble in my hands. I felt like a junkie. And, I caved. I couldn't take it. I had ramen. Good for you, ramen (insert sarcastic face). WHY WHY WHY is this SO hard for me??!?!?!?!!?!?
I did have a salad for lunch, but I will say this. For someone trying to eat healthy, I get a big fat F. I had to throw away almost all my vegetables because they were bad.
So, today I sit on my couch, in workout clothes, waiting for Linden to get home so we can all go out on a walk together. And I continue to tell my struggles and continue to be as transparent as I possibly can be. It is humiliating. It can be immobilizing to your soul. The good news is, one day I will be at peace and none of this garbage will matter anymore. In the meantime I just want to find happiness within myself. I don't know how much more I can bear.
Thanks again for letting me ramble. Love you all.
Since my last post, I have GAINED 10 pounds. Too much for you? Yeah, me too.... let me back up a bit.
I had previously written a post about how "happy" I was to be diagnosed with (#&@**%) Hashimotos. At lease now I knew why it was difficult to get out of bed, and why it was hard to lose weight, and why I couldn't turn off the faucets that are now referred to as my eyes. Don't get me wrong, I was happy! Now we could get to work at regulating my thyroid and getting my life back on track!
Little did I know, I would have a doctor who would seem to care less about my ongoing issues. I mean, when I am feeling good, I feel GREAT! I guess that's what happens when you know what it really feels like to feel crappy, you can really appreciate when it is good! But why does it only last for a week or a little more... or less?! For the most part, I am still exhausted. I am still super emotional, not to mention irritable (sorry Brian. I love you XoXo). The happiness I had felt when I was diagnosed has turned to a giant sour disgusting pill that is very hard to swallow. It could always be worse. I know that. I have people in my life that have fought or are fighting much worse battles than this. But this is MY life and it is something that I have to deal with on a daily basis, just as others have to deal with their problems or illnesses. It isn't ever easy for the person going through it is what I am trying to say. I still want to give God the glory and I hope that somehow, someway He can use what I am going through for good.
Having said all of that, I think that my weight gain is simply my thyroid going through its hormonal stage and I am PRAYING that it stops. My meds have been adjusted (by a different doctor) and those could take 6 months to "regulate". I have not eaten better, but I certainly have not been eating worse. The gain (beyond blaming Hashimotos) really is unexplainable.
Let us get to the root... again.
If I don't see results immediately, I cave. I feel like there is no hope. I feel as if I am caught in the weight cycle again. The problem with a lot of the diet "helps"out there are that I cannot have too much protein, I only have 1 kidney and it is hard to filter too much protein. I cannot use substitute protein items such as soy, because it supposedly creates conflict between my body and the thyroid it is already attacking. There is no medical proof of that, it is just what some people think and I have done soy meal replacement shakes and believe for myself, that it interfered with my thyroid. So, no more of that.
I have an addiction to food. I had someone suggest in a previous post that maybe it wasn't a real food addiction issue, but that maybe it was just laziness. Well, I don't know about you, but when I walk into the kitchen on days that I am really trying to beat this thing, and I start to shake because I want the food... that sounds like more than laziness to me. Am I exhausted, yep. Does that make me lazy? On most bad days, yep. But that has no bearing on how I feel when I walk into an area filled with food. When I allow myself to indulge in what I should be staying away from (p.s. I over-eat healthy food too), I feel good for a minute, then moments later I am so disappointed in myself, I could cry. Just today as I made a resolution to eat better, I had to go into that area... you know... the place that sounds like mitchen? My mouth was literally salivating and all I could think was WHY didn't I buy gum the last time I was at the store?! Maybe that would help. Gum! CURSES!!!! I began to tremble in my hands. I felt like a junkie. And, I caved. I couldn't take it. I had ramen. Good for you, ramen (insert sarcastic face). WHY WHY WHY is this SO hard for me??!?!?!?!!?!?
I did have a salad for lunch, but I will say this. For someone trying to eat healthy, I get a big fat F. I had to throw away almost all my vegetables because they were bad.
So, today I sit on my couch, in workout clothes, waiting for Linden to get home so we can all go out on a walk together. And I continue to tell my struggles and continue to be as transparent as I possibly can be. It is humiliating. It can be immobilizing to your soul. The good news is, one day I will be at peace and none of this garbage will matter anymore. In the meantime I just want to find happiness within myself. I don't know how much more I can bear.
Thanks again for letting me ramble. Love you all.
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